I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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