Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
