I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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