We're facebook friends in real life
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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