As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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