I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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