dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
