woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
