she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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