Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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