oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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