My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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