we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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