I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
