i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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