I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We named our party play list daddy issues
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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