So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
A+ Viking dick
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
