Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
