Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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