Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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