when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
