Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
