i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize