We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
