Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
