I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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