I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
