Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
