When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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