boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
