They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
