she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
