No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
