cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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