so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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