my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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