I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
