hotel room ftw
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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