My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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