tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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