But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
