If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
