Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
