cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.