He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
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I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother