He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
