I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
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The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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