I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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