my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
