it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
