nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Semen is not good for contacts.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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