I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
