Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
