You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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