I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
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I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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